Posts

Showing posts from November, 2016

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar...

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

A skeleton walks into a bar...

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Three mathematicians walk into a bar.

Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

A bar walks into a man

A bar walks into a man. Oops, wrong frame of reference.

A neutron walks into a bar.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you," replies the bartender, "no charge."

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini

A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender stares, but mixes the drink, and the duck downs it and orders another. "Hey, buddy, you haven't paid for the first one! Why should I make you another?" "It's OK, make me a second martini," said the duck. "Just put it on my bill."

A termite walks into a bar

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bartender?"

A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker

A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks

Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender looks at them incredulously and exclaims, "I can't serve you! What are you, nuts?!?"

A brain goes into a bar

A brain goes into a bar and the bartender says, "I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"

A snake slithers into a bar...

A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar...

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and asks, "Can I have a large gin and.......... tonic, please?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws, looks at them, and says, "Well, I'm a bear!"

A goldfish walks into a bar...

A goldfish walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool, and looks hard at the bartender, who asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?" The fish keeps looking at the guy and gasps: "Water."

A man walks into a bar and says "OW!"...

A man walks into a bar and says "OW!" The bartender says "James Brown? I thought you were dead!"

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "Hey, buddy, are you all right?"

A penguin walks into a bar

A penguin walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The barman asks, "Well, what does he look like?"

A pickle walks into a bar...

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, pickel! What are you doing here?" The pickle replies: "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

A pork chop goes into a bar

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."

Three fonts walk into a bar...

Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar...

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?"

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, so the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks: "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no again, and adds: "This is a bar.", so the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar, but the bartender cuts him off by telling him: "We do not serve grapes here, and if you ask for grapes one more time I will nail your beak to the bar!" The duck asks: "Got any nails?" The bartender says no, and the duck replies: "Good, got any grapes?"

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth-hurty

My boss puts the...

My boss puts the 'age' in manager

Labels

bar misunderstanding unexpected knock knock Christmas programming definitional bad dad anti-humor talking animals failed expectation political irony black elephant language onomatopoeia Biden deconstruction disability literal math airplane ambiguous grammar lie dark false assumption garden path occupation rude self denigrating canadian internet explorer knowledge mass culture physics slapstick illogical misfortune put-down racist surprise animal bathroom humor contradiction english funny setupless shaggy dog stupid toilet humor alcoholic aptronym black humor board game body humor cat depression dog famous person impulse control insinuation juxtaposition meta nationalist pop culture punchlineless speech problems surprised pikachu Halloween Karen Lord of the Rings archetype breaking behavior dissonance blonde cheese chicken circular confirmation coronavirus covid-19 death deliberate dissonance fake punchline fish hyperbole hypocrite implied punchline inappropriate joke lazy light-bulb mispronounce monday obama obscure old pessimism photoshopped pirate plumber portmanteau repetitive sad but true sarcastic self referential spelling star wars stealth stereotype suspended disbelief talking food technology troll untellable violence weird whiplash work your mother Disney Pavlov Perl accent accident adage advertisement allusion anakin skywalker anti-pun audience participation bald bash biology booger call and response chemistry clown context covid current events date dated delusion difference doge drug duck electrician emo evil cat face bomb faces false dichotomy fantasy fat fear fickle forgetful fourth wall breaking garbage man generational gesture gif gorillas greedy harry potter hippie historical history idiom immature insultnsult jargon lettuce library linguistic long macabre made up words media mental illness mexico mistake mondegreen name-calling nazi numbers one-liner paradox pedantic pokemon poker face prank call pretentious prison protests punctuation purple prose rap reverse roll safe science sickness spiderman spoonerism straight man subversion suicide surreal swear swearing talking objects thinker true typo unpronounceable unstated vegan visual winter work humor written only wrong zoo
Show more

More jokes