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Showing posts from November, 2020

What do you call the Swiss president’s airplane?

Q: What do you call the Swiss president’s airplane? A: Tobler One.

Did you know that they just determined that there is a different strain of Covid 19...

Did you know that they just determined that there is a different strain of Covid 19 which mainly spreads via people at the airport, and which is always deadly? It’s a terminal illness.

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke...

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it

I tried to remarry my ex-wife but she figured out...

I tried to remarry my ex-wife but she figured out I was only after my money.

Do you have prince albert in a can?

Q: Do you have prince albert in a can? A: Yes. Q: Well, you'd better let him out! This is a prank call, similar to the "Is your refrigerator running?" joke. In case you don't know prank calls were a way that kids would amuse themselves by calling people and telling jokes like the aforementioned joke. They only worked well up until the invention of caller ID. For this joke to be funny, the jokester needs to call a drugstore in the early 20th century, and ask them the setup. The person who answers the phone would answer yes, that they do have "prince albert in a can", since it is a popular brand of chewing tobacco back during that time period. The punchline "Well, you'd better let him out!" indicates that the prankster was not calling about the chewing tobacco, but was instead calling about the actual Prince Albert. Now, Prince albert was dead by the time that this joke could have been told, since he died before the invention of the telephone. Ad

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force...

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts." This joke is a joke about airplanes, so you could say that it is an airplane joke. In this joke the WW2 pilot is

Of course it's Monday

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This is a Monday meme. The joke here is that the cat looks shaggy, and disheveled and explains that the reason for its appearance is because it is Monday. People like to make fun of Monday because it is the first work day of the week, and they prefer the weekend to week days. Honestly, this isn't that funny to me.

Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear...

Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear them say, “What the hell are you doing?” This is a joke about acting weird, and about a false assumption on the part of the listener. When the listener hears the setup they will assume that the jokester is going to say something like "you can hear their heart beating", or "you can hear their bones creaking", or some other natural phenomena that you might be able to hear with your ear on someone. The reason why you instead would hear them asking what you are doing is because sticking your ear on someone is a super weird thing to do, and it would almost certainly elicit comment on the part of the recipient. If you want to tell this joke and get the maximum amount of laughs, I would guess that adding a pause in between the words "hear" and "them" would give the listeners time enough to parse the setup and guess where the joke is going.

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it...

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get gravy. This is a linguistic pun. The joke is that "if you remove it" could mean "if you remove gravity" in this sentence, but it could also mean "if you remove the letters I and T". Removing the I and T from gravity would leave you with the letters of the word Gravy, so the punch line is reasonable, however this joke is funny because the listener would normally assume that "it" refers to gravity, not to the letter I and T. 

Together, I can...

Together, I can beat schizophrenia. This is a joke about mental illness. When schizophrenia is represented in popular media, they treat it as a illness which causes people to have multiple personalities. Ordinarily someone would say "Together, we can beat X " to indicate that the problem X  is not insurmountable if the power of multiple people are used in attempting to defeat it. Since you can't be together by yourself, the joke indicates that the jokester is delusional, and believes that he is in fact multiple people.

I don’t like people who take drugs...

I don’t like people who take drugs, for example: airport security. This is a joke that is centered around the ambiguity of human language (a pun). The joke is that the person who hears the joke first assumes that the jokester dislikes people that use drugs, however the example makes it clear that the jokester actually dislikes people that confiscate drugs. Since take is a fairly general purpose verb in English, both understandings of the sentence are perfectly reasonable. 

The thief who stole my iPhone...

The thief who stole my iPhone could face time. This is a pun. For someone to "face time" means that they are in jeopardy of going to jail, however facetime is a phone app that is available on iphones. If you stole an Iphone it is possible that you could go to jail for it, but it is also possible that you could use the app face time (if you unlocked the phone successfully)

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making...

 My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making and now, I can’t read anything. This is a joke about a misunderstanding, and also about stupidity and misfortune. The misunderstanding is that the person telling the joke apparently misunderstood their wife, who was obviously asking for them to add the word ketchup to the list (by writing it at the bottom of the list), not to smear ketchup all over the list. Obviously the person that did this would necessarily be stupid, and the misfortune comes in to play because the person's stupidity caused the person to ruin the list that they were making.

I went to the doctor because I can't stop saying airplane jokes...

I went to the doctor because I can't stop saying airplane jokes He said it was terminal This is an airplane joke. It might also be a pun, but if it is, it is probably the worst pun ever. The humor is centered around the word terminal. Terminal means both "a disease that will cause death", and "the end of a transportation route" (such as the place an airplane lands). Now in this sentence, the first sense of the word makes sense, but the second sense makes no sense at all. The pun is particularly poor and the second sentence is senseless since the second sense of the word doesn't make sense. That being said, that doesn't really ruin the joke - it is still pretty funny because bad puns can still be funny.

If there's one thing that makes me throw up...

If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dart board on a ceiling. This is a pun. The pun is centered around the words "throw up". Throw up usually means vomit, or chunder, however in this instance it means throw darts straight upward into the air. The listener assumes the normal definition of throw up when they hear the set up of the joke, but the end of the makes it more likely it is the alternate definition, and that confusion that it causes is funny.

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things...

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille. This is an absurd joke. People that read braille do so by rubbing their fingers along bumps that represent letters. If one were to read something in braille, then, that person has already touched the object that the words are on. That means that they already broke the instructions they are reading. Why would this be terrifying? That is where the humor comes in. That wouldn't be terrifying. You already touched the thing, and if it was going to do anything to you because of it then it already happened to you before you finished reading the words.

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet, honestly, I thought it'd be a piece of cake. This is a pun. The humor of the joke is centered around the phrase "piece of cake". Literally piece of cake means a piece of cake, but figuratively it means "something that is very easy". To cure anorexia is not that easy because it is mental, and not physical, and we are not good at helping mental issues. So eating cake to cure anorexia is probably possible, though I doubt that it would be effective in most cases. So, not only is there a pun here, but both senses of the pun are absurd, which makes this pretty funny. That is - of course - if you are ok making fun of people that have an illness. 

Coughing has finally...

Coughing has finally overtaken speaking Arabic as the most taboo thing to do in an airport. This is a "oneliner" joke that deals with the current Covid 19 pandemic. The joke states that it used to be considered to be the most taboo thing possible to speak Arabic in an airport, but now it reports that coughing is more taboo. The reason why speaking Arabic is considered taboo is that the joke assumes that people in airports have anti-Arab feelings due to the possibility of Arab speaking people performing terrorist attacks against the airport. I am not going to discuss weather this is a valid fear, I am just saying that that is the reason why the joke assumes that speaking Arab is a taboo thing to do in an airport. On the other hand, people that cough might have Covid 19, so if you were to cough in an airport people would be scared that you are going to pass on Covid to them. The joke basically says that people are now more scared of catching covid than they are scared of terror

Yeah, I'm a libra...

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  Here is an old meme. It is a poker face meme, which is generally a meme where someone tries not to reveal information about something by making a neutral facial expression. They tend to use the image in the lower right quadrant as part of them. The male person here was caught in a lie, and in the last panel he is trying to not look surprised because his birthday is either not in the range of a birthday that would make him a libra, or (perhaps more likely) he has no idea what birthday he could say to make him a libra. People being caught in a lie are funny, and that is why this is funny.

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.  This is a riddle. The joke here is anti-humor. Red paint is actually something that is red and smells like blue paint. The joke is that the listener would assume that the answer had to be more obscure than that.

With Christmas around the corner...

With Christmas around the corner, now is a good time to tell the kids Santa died from Covid. This is dark humor. It is funny because the unexpected turn from talking about Christmas (which is a fun, happy, kid friendly subject) to death (which is the opposite). The unexpectedness of this emotional whiplash is why this is funny. 

I could tell you a joke about TCP/IP...

 I could tell you a joke about TCP/IP, but I would have to repeat myself until you got it. This is a joke that requires the listener to understand how the TCP/IP protocol works in order for it to be funny. It is also an insult. The reason why this is funny is because one thing that TCP/IP guarantees is that the data being transmitted will be delivered successfully even if the network makes no such guarantee. The way that they can guarantee this is by making the sender of a message retry sending it until the listener has acknowledged that they got the message successfully. The reason why this is an insult is that the jokester is insinuating that the listener wouldn't understand the joke, and so would have to repeat himself. This is insulting the listener's intelligence, and thus is funny.

What do you call a fake noodle?

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta This joke is both a riddle and a pun. Impostor means someone that is masquerading as something they are not, but pasta means noodles. Impasta sounds a lot like impostor, so the pun works fairly well.

What do we want? More questions!

What do we want? More questions! When do we want them? Thanks! This joke circumvents a common call and response chant - "What do we want? /  X! /  When do we want it? / Now!" where X is whatever the person is unhappy at not having. The caller (person that started the chant) did so normally, but the responder doesn't say "Now!" at the end, but instead "Thanks!". The reason for this is that the caller asked another question, thus meeting the requirements that the responder set up. The listener to this joke would find it funny because they expected the statement to end in "Now!", and it didn't.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday...

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible. The humor here comes from the fact that a person with a good thesaurus would be able to come up with an alternate word that means the same thing as terrible, but with a terrible thesaurus, the jokester is unable to. It is a form of irony that a person just bought a tool that was supposed to help them not use the same word over again, and instead they ended up doing exactly what they were trying to avoid.

A case to store your underwear in...

A case to store your underwear in is a briefcase. This joke is a pun. One type of underwear is "briefs", and so a case to store briefs could potentially be called a briefcase. The problem with this is that there is already a object called a briefcase, and that object is used to store briefs (which are documents). Since the word is being redefined to a previously unknown (and confusing) definition, it is funny.

Piano is one of the hardest instruments...

Piano is one of the hardest instruments to pick up. This is a pun. Colloquially to "pick up" a skill is to learn it, however literally to pick up something means to take it into your hand and raise it up from where it was sitting. Pianos, being large, are probably the hardest musical instrument to lift up off of the ground, however it may or may not be true that it is hard to learn how to play it. This joke could be pretty stealthy if you delivered it right.

I used to be scared of speed bumps...

I used to be scared of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over them This joke is a pun - to "get over" something is to accept something that is unpleasant as being inevitable, however if you were to travel over speed bumps in a car, it is considered a good practice to travel slowly as you go over them in order to not damage your car. This pun uses both senses of the phrase.

How DARE you...

How DARE you accuse me of righteous indignation!?!? This is a setupless joke which employs irony as its funny element. The jokester is asking how the listener would accuse them of being righteously indignant, however they are doing it in a way that confirms the fact that they are righteously indignant.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?” I said, “Where did that come from?” The humor in this joke comes from the pun that occurs during the husbands response. He asked her "where did that come from", which colloquially means "The thing that you just said or did was a non-sequitur", but it could also mean "I do not know where that [thing] was before it arrived here". Not knowing where something came from could be a sign of having a poor sense of direction, so he is confirming his wife's statement with his response.

Q: How often do airplanes crash?

Q: How often do airplanes crash? A: Just once. The humor in this airplane joke comes from the fact that the listener assumes that the jokester is asking "how many airplanes crash per day/year?", when in fact they are asking "how often does any given airplane crash?" The question that they asked is not actually parseable in the way that the jokester wants it to be, so the humor requires the listener to accept that the setup is pretty weak for this to be funny. Honestly this ruins the joke for me.

Q: Where are the Great Plains located?

Q: Where are the Great Plains located? A: At the great airports! This is a pun - the word plains sounds like planes, and the great plains are a large region in the middle of the united states, however the answer is not where those are located, but instead where the "great planes" are located, which is apparently the great airports. There is a bit of absurdist logic to this - mediocre planes would be located in mediocre airports, and absolutely awful planes would be located is the worst type of airports. Despite this joke being pretty bad, I sort of like it.

I told the check-in assistant at the airport to send my bags to New York, while I flew to London...

 I told the check-in assistant at the airport to send my bags to New York, while I flew to London. She said she couldn't do that. I replied, ''why not? You did last week!'' This airplane joke is funny because it involves misfortune, and also a misunderstanding. The idea that the jokester had his bags delivered to the wrong airport makes everyone listening to the joke feel sorry for the jokester, which is funny. The misunderstanding that the jokester is laboring under is that the airport could do that intentionally, and that it would be possible to order that it happens. The fact that he misunderstands this is funny. It is also possible that his last statement is an insult - calling the assistant a liar, which would make it funny because it is rude as well.

I designed a crash proof airplane made out of rubber...

I designed a crash proof airplane made out of rubber. It's called the Boing 747. Here is another airplane joke. The joke here is also a pun centered around the word boing. A rubber airplane would probably bounce, and the word boing is an onomatopoeia for the sound that is made when something bounces. The word boing also sounds a lot like Boeing, which is a manufacturer of airplanes.

I’d tell you an airplane joke...

I’d tell you an airplane joke. But it’d go over your head. This is an insult, and also a pun. To go over someone's head is a colloquialism that means to be too difficult for someone to understand, so this is saying that you are too dumb to understand the airplane joke that the jokester is about to make. If you were to take the joke literally, then "to go over someone's head" could mean that this airplane joke (because it is an airplane) would travel in a path that was above the listeners head.

Otherwise

You might think this joke sucks, but the title says otherwise I found this joke posted in reddit. The humor in this joke is a pun. The title of the post was the word "Otherwise", so literally the title of the joke undeniably said "Otherwise". That being said, " x  says otherwise" means that if you were to ask x , they would tell you something besides what has been said before, so saying the title says otherwise is like saying that the title is a counterargument to the statement that this joke sucks. The two meanings of the joke are why this is funny.

You know there's no official training for garbagemen?

You know there's no official training for garbagemen? They just pick things up as they go along. This joke is a pun. To pick things up can both be taken literally and figuratively. The literal sense is that the garbage men lift things off of the ground (in order to put them into the garbage truck). The figurative sense for that statement is using the "learn things" sense of "pick things up", and that jives with the "they don't get training" statement in the setup of the joke.

Your sad alcoholic name

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 Here is another alcoholic meme. The joke in this one is an insult. To explain this, I will first explain the "your X name" meme. There is a type of internet post where people try to mine info from other people by posting rules for generating names. It usually goes something like this: "Generate your punk rockstar name: your mother's maiden name + the street you grew up on", and then they just gather info based on the responses. This one acts like one of those posts, but instead just ends up with the reader's real name. So, the jokester is calling the listener a sad alcoholic. I found this one by scrolling through alcoholic memes till I found one that was actually funny to me. Most of them are just depressing to me, but this one was clever - using the "your X name" meme to insult someone is pretty funny.

Toby, Age 3 Alcoholic

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 This is a bit hard to explain, But I will give it a try. The joke here seems to be that everyone around you assumes that you are drinking an alcoholic beverage if you drink it out of a wine glass? This is only one of many "Toby, Age 3 Alcoholic" memes. Honestly, this is not the funniest of the lot. Here is a better one: The joke here is that the kid - since he could no longer get amusement from popping bubbles in bubble wrap turned to alcohol to get amusement instead. This is pretty dark humor, honestly. Here is another one: This one could have two possible reasons for being funny - one is that the kid was being assumed by his peers to be drunk (making a public mistake and being ridiculed for it is funny to many people), and the other option for this meme being funny is that because he was ridiculed, he turned to drugs to cope with it. Again, this is pretty dark humor, so it is probably not for everyone. I don't find these particularly funny, but I suppose that that coul

Three old men are sitting on a park bench. The first says "Windy, innit?"

Three old men are sitting on a park bench. The first says "Windy, innit?" The second says "No. Thursdy." The third says "Me too. Let's go for a pint." This joke is about a series of misunderstandings. The first one is when old man number 1 says "windy", and old man number 2 hears "Wednesday" instead. His reply contains the word "Thursday", which old man number 3 mishears as "thirsty". this joke would work with 2 old men if you wanted to reduce the cognitive load.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”... I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them. The humor in this joke comes from the fact that the jokester misunderstood the meaning of the article that they read - the article was intended to list things that one would want to make sure to do during their life, and the jokester assumed that it was a list of things that the reader would want to do in case they were going to die (in order to attempt to prevent it).

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States...

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States This is not a political post, I just want to travel The joke here is that the listener will assume after hearing the first two lines that the jokester likes neither Trump nor Biden so much that they would leave the country because one of them were to become elected. The punchline reveals that this assumption is false by declaring that the jokester just really likes to travel. This joke isn't political, however it masquerades as a political joke. As strange side note - the person that wrote this joke didn't capitalize the T in Trump - perhaps that was on purpose?

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins...

 A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins. After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal. 18 years pass when the birth parents receive a package from Juan with a letter saying how grateful he is to them and with a ton of pictures of him and his life. This makes the birth mother inconsolably sad, her husband says “are you not happy? You always wondered what he looked like, whether he had my eyes or your nose and now you know” “I know and I’m really happy that I got to see the pictures but it makes me even sadder that I have no pictures of Amal.” To which the husband replies “they’re identical twins, if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal!” This is a bit of a shaggy dog story (although, it could be much longer if the teller cares to tell it that way.) The super

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