Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" The man's answer: "They're Carol's."
A man bought his wife an expensive diamond ring for Christmas. His friend heard about it, and said "I thought she wanted a Jeep for Christmas." His reply was "Yes, but where am I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?". "No, go right ahead", the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down. "Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"
Q: Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
A: The stock market.
This is a question/answer style joke. The humor behind this joke lies in the fact that "the stock market" can mean both "the market in which you can buy shares in various companies", and "the market in which you can buy animal broths".
The first of the two preceding definitions is by far the most common definition of "the stock market", but the other parsing of the phrase is legal English, and is the definition that this joke is using. The fact that the jokester is saying a common noun phrase in an uncommon way is surprising to the listener, and therein lies the humor.
If it isn't obvious already, this is an example of a pun.
I personally am characterized by a Predilection for fundaments of a suprilitive nature.
Additionally I am entirely incapable of prevarication.
I now address myself to more of my fraternal associates -
It is entirely impossible for you to disagree with the following logical argument:
* If there exists a universe such that there is an adolescent muliebrous anthropomorphic entity which is ambulating in a manner that is both adjacent and tangent to your (the viewer's) position which posesses the following qualities:
* A marked and particularly diminuitive midsection and
* An element that is both: * curvilinear and * to the fore of the obverse of your capitular extremity
The outcome will invariably be an initiation and engenderment of a transitory preoccupation with and obsession over the aforementioned muliebrous anthropomorphic entity.
Three men are sent to hell...
The devil greets them and gives the three men a chance to go to heaven instead. Knowing no-one has ever won the bet, he tells the three men, "if you can bring me something which I cannot melt with my bare hands of flame and torture, you are free to go to heaven."
A few hours later, the first man arrives with a sturdy rock. The devil smiles slyly, grabs the rock in his hands, and melts it into molten magma.
The second man appears with a large chunk or carbonized steel. The devil grabs it and instantly melts it down into hot liquid metal.
The third man only gives him three M&M candies. The devil laughs, grabs the candy and turns his hands into flames. Hotter and hotter the hands grow, but the devil notices that he just can't melt down the M 'n M's. He gives up, shocked, and says, "How in the hell! This has never happened before."
To which the third man replied "M&M's, melt in your mouth, not your hands."…