Posts

Showing posts from 2019

Q: What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?

Q: What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can’t tuna fish.

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea...

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that the other one enjoys it?

Q: Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

Q: Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.

Ok Boomer.

Boomers: Snowflake.
Millenials: Ok, boomer.
Boomers: This is Illegal Discrimination.

People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same...

People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same, but really, there’s a whole world of difference between them.

Two snowmen are standing in a field...

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One of them turned to the other and said: "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q. What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?

Q. What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
A. Santa Klutz!

Q. Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners?

Q. Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners?
A. RUDE-olph, of course!

Q: Did you hear that Santa knows karate?

Q: Did you hear that Santa knows karate?
A: He has a black belt.

Q: Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Q: Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it 'soots' him!

Q: What is the best Christmas present in the world?

Q: What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A: A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It's Christmas, Eve!

Q: How can you keep Santa busy in the Christmas party?

Q: How can you keep Santa busy in the Christmas party?
A: Ask him to take care of your plants.

Q: What is Santa’s primary language?

Q: What is Santa’s primary language?
A: North Polish.

Q. How is the alphabet different on Christmas from every other day?

Q. How is the alphabet different on Christmas from every other day?
A. There’s Noel!

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A: Nothing. It was on the house!

Q: What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Q: What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A: Claustrophobia!

Q. What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?

Q. What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
A. "Season’s bleatings!"

Q. What’s a sheep’s favorite Christmas song?

Q. What’s a sheep’s favorite Christmas song?
A. "Fleece Navidad"!

Q: What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?

Q: What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
A: Anything you want. He can’t hear you!

Q: What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Q: What do you call Santa's little helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses!

Q: What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Q: What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
A: Cross Mouse Cards!

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump?

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump?
A:Santa laughing his head off!

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve...

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" The man's answer: "They're Carol's."

A man bought his wife an expensive diamond ring for Christmas...

A man bought his wife an expensive diamond ring for Christmas. His friend heard about it, and said "I thought she wanted a Jeep for Christmas." His reply was "Yes, but where am I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Q: What’s Santa’s dog’s name?

Q: What’s Santa’s dog’s name?
A: Santa Paws!

Q: Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?

Q: Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
A: Because they’re shellfish.

Q: What's the name of the one horse in "Jingle Bells"?

Q: What's the name of the one horse in "Jingle Bells"?
A: Bob. (Bells on Bob's tail ring!)

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?

Q: Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?
A: He was picking his nose!

Q: Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Q: Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
A: He conditioned it.

Q: Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?

Q: Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
A: So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

I am terrified of elevators...

I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Q: Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Q: Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he gets a hole in one

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Jeff, the origin

Image

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.

Two ducks were sitting in a pond.

Two ducks were sitting in a pond. One of the ducks said: "Quack". The other duck said: "I was going to say that!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: He was too far out, man.

What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Q: What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
A: Lil' Caesars

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Doctor...

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
That’s a great T.V. show, isn’t it?

Q: What is the difference between here and there?

Q: What is the difference between here and there?
A: The Letter T.

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Q: What's black and white and read all over?

Q: What's black and white and read all over?
A: A newspaper.

I was at the library...

I was at the library and asked if they have any books on "paranoia", the librarian replied, "yes, they are right behind you"

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Q: Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?

Q: Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
A: The stock market.

This is a question/answer style joke. The humor behind this joke lies in the fact that "the stock market" can mean both "the market in which you can buy shares in various companies", and "the market in which you can buy animal broths".

The first of the two preceding definitions is by far the most common definition of "the stock market", but the other parsing of the phrase is legal English, and is the definition that this joke is using. The fact that the jokester is saying a common noun phrase in an uncommon way is surprising to the listener, and therein lies the humor.

If it isn't obvious already, this is an example of a pun.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

To the guy who invented zero

To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.

Translation

I personally am characterized by a Predilection for fundaments of a suprilitive nature.
Additionally I am entirely incapable of prevarication.
I now address myself to more of my fraternal associates -
It is entirely impossible for you to disagree with the following logical argument:
 * If there exists a universe such that there is an adolescent muliebrous anthropomorphic entity which is ambulating in a manner that is both adjacent and tangent to your (the viewer's) position which posesses the following qualities:
   * A marked and particularly diminuitive midsection and
   * An element that is both:
* curvilinear and
* to the fore of the obverse of your capitular extremity
  The outcome will invariably be an initiation and engenderment of a transitory preoccupation with and obsession over the aforementioned muliebrous anthropomorphic entity.

How do you get down from an elephant?

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't - you get down from a duck.

To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

Two parrots are sitting on a perch...

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"

Weird fish meme

Image

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo...

I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo. It was great. She’s a keeper.

Three men are sent to hell...

Three men are sent to hell... The devil greets them and gives the three men a chance to go to heaven instead. Knowing no-one has ever won the bet, he tells the three men, "if you can bring me something which I cannot melt with my bare hands of flame and torture, you are free to go to heaven."

A few hours later, the first man arrives with a sturdy rock. The devil smiles slyly, grabs the rock in his hands, and melts it into molten magma.

The second man appears with a large chunk or carbonized steel. The devil grabs it and instantly melts it down into hot liquid metal.

The third man only gives him three M&M candies. The devil laughs, grabs the candy and turns his hands into flames. Hotter and hotter the hands grow, but the devil notices that he just can't melt down the M 'n M's. He gives up, shocked, and says, "How in the hell! This has never happened before."

To which the third man replied "M&M's, melt in your mouth, not your hands."…

When a deaf person sees someone yawn...

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

Doge

Image

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks...

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

3725.95 mph slap

Image

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance...

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

...a ground-breaking invention.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Labels

colloquial knock knock unexpected Christmas misunderstanding programming definitional bad dad anti-humor talking animals failed expectation political irony language black deconstruction elephant literal math onomatopoeia Biden disability grammar ambiguous garden path lie occupation self denigrating canadian dark internet explorer mass culture physics rude slapstick knowledge put-down surprise animal bathroom humor contradiction english funny racist toilet humor aptronym board game body humor depression dog false assumption famous person illogical impulse control insinuation juxtaposition meta misfortune nationalist punchlineless setupless shaggy dog speech problems stupid surprised pikachu Halloween Karen Lord of the Rings archetype breaking behavior dissonance black humor blonde cat cheese chicken circular coronavirus death deliberate dissonance fake punchline fish hyperbole hypocrite implied punchline lazy light-bulb mispronounce obama obscure old pessimism photoshopped pirate plumber pop culture portmanteau repetitive sad but true sarcastic self referential spelling stereotype suspended disbelief talking food troll untellable violence work your mother Disney Pavlov Perl accent accident adage advertisement alcoholic allusion anakin skywalker anti-pun audience participation bald bash biology booger chemistry clown context covid-19 date dated difference doge drug duck electrician emo evil cat face bomb faces false dichotomy fantasy fat fear fickle forgetful fourth wall breaking generational gesture gif gorillas greedy harry potter hippie historical history idiom immature inappropriate insultnsult jargon lettuce library macabre made up words media mexico mondegreen name-calling nazi numbers one-liner pedantic pokemon prank call pretentious prison protests punctuation purple prose rap reverse roll safe science spiderman star wars straight man subversion suicide surreal swear talking objects technology thinker true typo unstated vegan visual weird whiplash winter work humor zoo
Show more

More jokes