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Showing posts from January, 2017

Somebody stole my mood ring.

Somebody stole my mood ring.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Why did the sun not go to college?

Why did the sun not go to college?
Because he already had a million degrees

Two soldiers are in a tank...

Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "Blub Blub Blub!"

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Da-Dum Tish

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I was on a boat in Egypt...

I was on a boat in Egypt, and I fell out into the river, and I was like "I can't believe this!"

My pet light bulb is a year old today

My pet light bulb is a year old today.
That's 5.9 trillion miles in light years.
Your mileage may vary.

Interrupting cow

Q: Knock, Knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Interrupting cow.
A: Interrupting cow wh--
Q: MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

A severed foot is...

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A police officer pulls over a car full of nuns...

A police officer pulls over a car full of nuns and asks
"Why were you driving so slowly?"
The nun driver replies
"The speed limit is 20 miles an hour, officer."
"No, Sister, the speed limit is 70."
"Then what are all the signs that say 20 on them?"
"This is highway 20. They just mark what highway you are on."
"Oh... That explains why the other sisters were screaming back when we were on Highway 166."

What was the elephant doing on the freeway?

Q: What was the elephant doing on the freeway?
A: About 5 mph

I've often started off with a lawyer joke...

I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy, and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realized that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.

My dog's got no nose...

My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell, then?
Awful.

Q: What do you call a alligator that kills bugs for a living?

Q: What do you call a alligator that kills bugs for a living?
A: A fumigator

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An investigator.

That book was accidentally destroyed...

That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously.

The shortest distance between two points

The shortest distance between two points is under construction

All that glitters...

All that glitters has a high refractive index

Q: There are several cats on a sloping roof. Which one falls off first?

Q: There are several cats on a sloping roof.  Which one falls off first?
A: The one with the lowest mew!

I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine

I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor.

Q: How much do pirates pay for corn?

Q: How much do pirates pay for corn?
A: A buccaneer!

Q: What did the newspaper headlines say when the dinosaur crashed his car?

Q: What did the newspaper headlines say when the dinosaur crashed his car?
A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

I was reading this book on anti-gravity

I was reading this book on anti-gravity.
I couldn't put it down!

Man, I heard about this circus fire last night

Man, I heard about this circus fire last night. It was intense.