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Showing posts from October, 2016

Halloween Jokes

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Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
Ghost: THE SOULS OF SCREAMING CHILDREN
A: Spooketti!
Ghost: What
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Ghost: Death frees us from mistruths and deception
A: Because you can see right through them!
Ghost: What purpose does spreading this misinformation serve

Two monsters went to a Halloween party...

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Deathbot

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M: "Ha ha ha! Everyone laughed at my dreams of world domination? Well say hello to Deathbot! Deathbot, show the people why you're called that!"
D: ARRGH! OHHH! I'm dying! I'm dying!!
M: Well, thisis embarrassing!
B: Don't give up your dream. Just climb right back up on that horse!

The next day

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below. The same two guys walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?" The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

A church's bell ringer passed away

A church's bell ringer passed away, so they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

Does the name...

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The beatings will continue...

The beatings will continue until morale improves

Honk if you...

Honk if you like peace and quiet

Have an adequate day

Have an adequate day

Clones are people...

Clones are people, two.

Cat /dev/random | perl

Cat /dev/random | perl

A celebrity is...

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness

A flashlight is...

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What has four wheels and flies?

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Knock, knock. Banana.

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Banana.
A: Banana who?
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Banana.
A: Banana who?
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Orange.
A: Orange who?
Q: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

I wish I could clone myself sometimes...

I wish I could clone myself sometimes...if I could, I'd be so happy that I'd be beside myself!

Q: What kind of bug is a wig?

Q: What kind of bug is a wig?
A: An earwig!

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Two muffins were in an oven...

Two muffins were in an oven. One said to the other "It sure is hot in here!". The other replied "AAAHH! A talking muffin!"

I haven't slept for ten days...

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boggie in it.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.

There are two fish in a tank.

There are two fish in a tank. One fish turn to the other and says, "How the heck do you drive this thing!?"

Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?

Q: Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?
A: Because they have such large fingers.

Is your refrigerator running?

Q: Is your refrigerator "running"?
A: Yes.
Q: Then you had better go catch it!

Knock, Knock. Lettuce

C: Knock, knock.
R: Who's there?
C: Lettuce.
R: Lettuce who?
C: Lettuce in, it's cold out here!