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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

To the guy who invented zero

To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.

Translation

I personally am characterized by a Predilection for fundaments of a suprilitive nature.
Additionally I am entirely incapable of prevarication.
I now address myself to more of my fraternal associates -
It is entirely impossible for you to disagree with the following logical argument:
 * If there exists a universe such that there is an adolescent muliebrous anthropomorphic entity which is ambulating in a manner that is both adjacent and tangent to your (the viewer's) position which posesses the following qualities:
   * A marked and particularly diminuitive midsection and
   * An element that is both:
* curvilinear and
* to the fore of the obverse of your capitular extremity
  The outcome will invariably be an initiation and engenderment of a transitory preoccupation with and obsession over the aforementioned muliebrous anthropomorphic entity.

How do you get down from an elephant?

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't - you get down from a duck.

To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch...

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"

Weird fish meme

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I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo...

I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo. It was great. She’s a keeper.

Three men are sent to hell...

Three men are sent to hell... The devil greets them and gives the three men a chance to go to heaven instead. Knowing no-one has ever won the bet, he tells the three men, "if you can bring me something which I cannot melt with my bare hands of flame and torture, you are free to go to heaven."

A few hours later, the first man arrives with a sturdy rock. The devil smiles slyly, grabs the rock in his hands, and melts it into molten magma.

The second man appears with a large chunk or carbonized steel. The devil grabs it and instantly melts it down into hot liquid metal.

The third man only gives him three M&M candies. The devil laughs, grabs the candy and turns his hands into flames. Hotter and hotter the hands grow, but the devil notices that he just can't melt down the M 'n M's. He gives up, shocked, and says, "How in the hell! This has never happened before."

To which the third man replied "M&M's, melt in your mouth, not your hands."…

When a deaf person sees someone yawn...

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

Doge

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People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks...

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

3725.95 mph slap

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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance...

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

...a ground-breaking invention.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.