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Showing posts from 2017

A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey." The horse says "Sure."

I'm Liberian

A: "Where you from?"
B: "I'm Liberian"
A: "Oh, sorry!"
A(Whispering):"where you from?"

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I said, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons, and nobody wonders why.

Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons, and nobody wonders why.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard...

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard...
After that, he went downhill fast.

I work as a waiter...

I work as a waiter...
The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house

Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet...

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet...
Whoops, E-Daisies.

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell...

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell, and, looking at it now, I see why.

I dunno what this WiFi dude did…

I dunno what this WiFi dude did, but I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.

Lincoln Shot First

Lincoln Shot First

Lottery...

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid...

I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He says he could stop at any time

Why wouldn't the fish share his candy with the other fish?

Q: Why wouldn't the fish share his candy with the other fish?
A: Because the other fish ate him.

In the new version, Alderaan shoots first

In the new version, Alderaan shoots first

What do you do when you see a space man?

Q: What do you do when you see a space man?
A: You park your car, man

What's the difference between a...

What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

What does E.T. stand for?

Q: What does E.T. stand for?
A: The national anthem.

Why don't ants ever get sick?

Q: Why don't ants ever get sick?
A: Because they have little anty bodies

You know how birds fly in a V and sometimes one side is longer than the other?

Q: You know how birds fly in a V and sometimes one side is longer than the other? You know why that is?

A: It's because there are more birds on that side.

A man asks a farmer near a field,

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Mathematics is 90% common sense

Mathematics is 90% common sense, and the other half is attention to detail.

Someone call me a cab

Q: Someone call me a cab.
A: Your a cab.

This Fibonacci joke is...

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two that you heard combined.

The past present, and future walk into a bar.

The past present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,
You need a rope.

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...
The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"
The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "
The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"
Then a train hit them

I have a pet tree

I have a pet tree...
It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.

This is my step ladder

"This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder."

I bought my friend an elephant for his room

I bought my friend an elephant for his room...
He said "Thanks!"
I said "Don't mention it."

What rhymes with orange

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
I said: "no it doesn't"

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "Because I'm an alcoholic and it's killing my family."

chmod -R 007 /

chmod -R 007 /

A guy drags a chain into a bar

A guy drags a chain into a bar. The bartender asks
"why are you dragging that chain behind you?"
The man replies
"Man, you ever try pushing one of these?"

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant

A computer scientist's wife asks him...

A computer scientist's wife asks him, "would you pick up a loaf of bread at the store, and if they have eggs get a dozen?"
He gets home, throws 12 loaves of bread on the counter, and says "they had eggs".

Why don't blind people skydive?

Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
It was pretty bad at first, but, by the end, I liked it.

A Freudian slip is...

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table.
And a chair.

What red and bad for your teeth?

Q: What red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

Two whales are in a bar...

Two whales are in a bar. One turns to the other and says "OOOOAAAAHHHHOOOOHHHAAOO"
The other whale turns to him and says, "Go home Steve, you're drunk"

Why did the Indian sleep in the hotel lobby?

Q: Why did the Indian sleep in the hotel lobby?
A: Because he didn't have a reservation

Don't use a big word...

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Q: How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
A: Eclipse it.

We use docker

A: We use docker
B: Oh cool, why? what is it?
A: No-one knows, but we all use it

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
HHAAAAANNNNDDDDDDDD EEEEYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Guess what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket?

Q: Guess what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket?
A: "I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

Two scientists walk into a bar.

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first one says "I'll have some H2O." The second one says "I'll have some H2O too."
The bartender gives them both water as serving hydrogen peroxide at a bar would be both illogical and dangerous.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

I have the heart of a lion...

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

I have an EpiPen...

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

Legalize Arowana

Legalize Arowana

What time was it when the monster ate the Canadian prime minister?

Q: What time was it when the monster ate the Canadian prime minister?
A: Eight P.M.

What's the difference between an American and a Canadian?

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian?
A: A Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

What do Canadians get on their tests?

Q: What do Canadians get on their tests?
A: Eh’s

How do you get two whales in a car?

Q: How do you get two whales in a car?
A: Start in England and drive west.

I have a chicken proof lawn.

I have a chicken proof lawn. Its impeccable.

Why were the cows disappointed in their number collection?

Q: Why were the cows disappointed in their number collection?
A: Because they lactate.

Today I happened to be in the area where I grew up...

Today I happened to be in the area where I grew up so I went and checked out my old childhood home. I knocked and asked if I could look around a bit, but the owners said no and shut the door in my face.
My parents can be so rude sometimes.

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Hey, a train just went by!

D: Hey, a train just went by!
C: How do you know daddy?
D: Because its tracks are still here!

What are the 2 seasons in Canada?

Q: What are the 2 seasons in Canada?
A: Winter and July

How do you get a Canadian to apologize?

Q: How do you get a Canadian to apologize?
A: Step on their foot.

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?
You say "Please get out of the pool."

What's black and white with 16 wheels?

Q: What's black and white with 16 wheels?
A: A zebra riding on Rollerblades

What animal can jump higher than a house?

Q: What animal can jump higher than a house?
A: Any animal a house cannot jump.

Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?

Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?
The outside

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for fresh prints.

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like...

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like
So I told him, "C4 yourself"

Guys, don't make fun of fat people

Guys, don't make fun of fat people;
It's not as if they don't have enough on their plate.

My boss said my math skills are average...

My boss said my math skills are average... That's just mean.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

Forget everything you learned in college...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."
"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

One day when I was young

One day when I was young I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, why not?"
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

What did the suicidal function say?

Q: What did the suicidal function say? A: "GOODBYE WORLD"

What's the difference between an enterprise software salesperson and a used car dealer?

Q: What's the difference between an enterprise software salesperson and a used car dealer?
A: The used car dealer knows when he's lying.

Your mother is so fat they assigned her...

Your mother is so fat they assigned her a new top-level domain.

Your mother is so fat, she solves the Travelling Salesman problem...

Your mother is so fat, she solves the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) by visiting all cities simultaneously.

When is a function a bad investment?

When is a function a bad investment? "When there's no return"

There are 2 hard problems in computer science

There are 2 hard problems in computer science: caching, naming, and off-by-1 errors

Why did the gamer cross the road?

Q: Why did the gamer cross the road?
A: A meeple was already on the field behind him.

How many gamers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Q: How many gamers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but only if that role is not already taken.

What does a gamer take for an upset stomach?

Q: What does a gamer take for an upset stomach?
A: Settlers.

How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern?

How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What's the difference between a T-bone steak and a meteorite?

What's the difference between a T-bone steak and a meteorite?
One's meaty and the other's a little meteor.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one says to the other, "I think we got this joke wrong."

I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone...

I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.  (Bjarne Stroustrup)

At a recent real-time Java conference...

At a recent real-time Java conference, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

I trust you implicitly

"I trust you implicitly"

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

A common programming solution is to use threads

A common programming solution is to use threads. But then, two ‘llyou hav erpoblesm.

Knock, knock. Race condition.

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who's t-
Q: Race condition.

I’ve got a really good UDP joke...

I’ve got a really good UDP joke to tell you, but I don’t know if you’ll get it

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
A: Because he didn’t get arrays.

Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
A: Inheritance

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure

"It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter." - Nathaniel Borenstein

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards...

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car...

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's a hardware problem

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Feature

Image

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: It was soda pressing.

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?
A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

A man is smoking a cigarette...

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

What did the sea say to the seashore?

What did the sea say to the seashore?
Nothing, it just waved.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

How Long is a...

How Long is a Chinese name.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and sings "Give me the Moonlight"?

Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and sings "Give me the Moonlight"?
A: Frankie Prawn.

If con is the opposite of pro...

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

The reason we have elected officials...

Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!

3 out of 2 people...

3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions

Here’s some advice:

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching a house on the other side of the street. Initially they decide that the house must be empty. Then they see two people enter the house. A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”
Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside...

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force

Biology is the only science

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?