Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He looks around and notices that there are big chunks of meat hanging from the ceiling. Puzzled, he asks the bartender, "Why have you got all this meat hanging around?" The barman says, "It's a little bet we have running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth, then you can drink for free. If you fail, then you have to buy everyone else in the bar a round. Are you going to try?" The man shakes his head and replies, "No, the steaks are too high."
A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender stares, but mixes the drink, and the duck downs it and orders another. "Hey, buddy, you haven't paid for the first one! Why should I make you another?" "It's OK, make me a second martini," said the duck. "Just put it on my bill."
A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."
A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and asks, "Can I have a large gin and.......... tonic, please?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws, looks at them, and says, "Well, I'm a bear!"
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, so the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks: "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no again, and adds: "This is a bar.", so the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar, but the bartender cuts him off by telling him: "We do not serve grapes here, and if you ask for grapes one more time I will nail your beak to the bar!" The duck asks: "Got any nails?" The bartender says no, and the duck replies: "Good, got any grapes?"
Q: What do ghosts eat for supper? Ghost: THE SOULS OF SCREAMING CHILDREN A: Spooketti! Ghost: What Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Ghost: Death frees us from mistruths and deception A: Because you can see right through them! Ghost: What purpose does spreading this misinformation serve
M: " Ha ha ha! Everyone laughed at my dreams of world domination? Well say hello to Deathbot ! Deathbot, show the people why you're called that!" D: ARRGH! OHHH! I'm dying! I'm dying!! M: Well, this is embarrassing! B: Don't give up your dream. Just climb right back up on that horse!
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below. The same two guys walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?" The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."
A church's bell ringer passed away, so they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."