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3 SQL databases walked into a NoSQL bar

3 SQL databases walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later, they walked out because they couldn't find a table.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

An amnesiac walks into a bar...

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks, "Do I come here often?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He looks around and notices that there are big chunks of meat hanging from the ceiling. Puzzled, he asks the bartender, "Why have you got all this meat hanging around?" The barman says, "It's a little bet we have running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth, then you can drink for free. If you fail, then you have to buy everyone else in the bar a round. Are you going to try?" The man shakes his head and replies, "No, the steaks are too high."

A dyslexic...

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!", to which the grasshopper replied: "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"

Two jumper cables walk into a bar...

Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You guys'd better not start anything in here..."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar...

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

A skeleton walks into a bar...

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Three mathematicians walk into a bar.

Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

A bar walks into a man

A bar walks into a man. Oops, wrong frame of reference.

A neutron walks into a bar.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you," replies the bartender, "no charge."

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini

A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender stares, but mixes the drink, and the duck downs it and orders another. "Hey, buddy, you haven't paid for the first one! Why should I make you another?" "It's OK, make me a second martini," said the duck. "Just put it on my bill."

A termite walks into a bar

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"

A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker

A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks

Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender looks at them incredulously and exclaims, "I can't serve you! What are you, nuts?!?"

A brain goes into a bar

A brain goes into a bar and the bartender says, "I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"

A snake slithers into a bar...

A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar...

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and asks, "Can I have a large gin and.......... tonic, please?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws, looks at them, and says, "Well, I'm a bear!"

A goldfish walks into a bar...

A goldfish walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool, and looks hard at the bartender, who asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?" The fish keeps looking at the guy and gasps: "Water."

A man walks into a bar and says "OW!"...

A man walks into a bar and says "OW!" The bartender says "James Brown? I thought you were dead!"

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "Hey, buddy, are you all right?"

A penguin walks into a bar

A penguin walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The barman asks, "Well, what does he look like?"

A pickle walks into a bar...

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, pickel! What are you doing here?" The pickle replies: "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

A pork chop goes into a bar

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."

Three fonts walk into a bar...

Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar...

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?"

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says no, so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks: "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says no again, and adds: "This is a bar.", so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar, but the bartender cuts him off by telling him: "We do not serve grapes here, and if you ask for grapes one more time I will nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck asks: "Got any nails?"
The bartender says no, and the duck replies: "Good, got any grapes?"

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty

My boss puts the...

My boss puts the 'age' in manager

Halloween Jokes

Image
Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
Ghost: THE SOULS OF SCREAMING CHILDREN
A: Spooketti!
Ghost: What
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Ghost: Death frees us from mistruths and deception
A: Because you can see right through them!
Ghost: What purpose does spreading this misinformation serve

Two monsters went to a Halloween party...

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Deathbot

Image
M: "Ha ha ha! Everyone laughed at my dreams of world domination? Well say hello to Deathbot! Deathbot, show the people why you're called that!"
D: ARRGH! OHHH! I'm dying! I'm dying!!
M: Well, thisis embarrassing!
B: Don't give up your dream. Just climb right back up on that horse!

The next day

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below. The same two guys walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?" The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

A church's bell ringer passed away

A church's bell ringer passed away, so they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

Does the name...

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The beatings will continue...

The beatings will continue until morale improves

Honk if you...

Honk if you like peace and quiet

Have an adequate day

Have an adequate day

Clones are people...

Clones are people, two.

Cat /dev/random | perl

Cat /dev/random | perl

A celebrity is...

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness

A flashlight is...

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What has four wheels and flies?

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Knock, knock. Banana.

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Banana.
A: Banana who?
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Banana.
A: Banana who?
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Orange.
A: Orange who?
Q: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

I wish I could clone myself sometimes...

I wish I could clone myself sometimes...if I could, I'd be so happy that I'd be beside myself!

Q: What kind of bug is a wig?

Q: What kind of bug is a wig?
A: An earwig!

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Two muffins were in an oven...

Two muffins were in an oven. One said to the other "It sure is hot in here!". The other replied "AAAHH! A talking muffin!"

I haven't slept for ten days...

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boggie in it.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.

There are two fish in a tank.

There are two fish in a tank. One fish turn to the other and says, "How the heck do you drive this thing!?"

Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?

Q: Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?
A: Because they have such large fingers.

Is your refrigerator running?

Q: Is your refrigerator "running"?
A: Yes.
Q: Then you had better go catch it!

Knock, Knock. Lettuce

C: Knock, knock.
R: Who's there?
C: Lettuce.
R: Lettuce who?
C: Lettuce in, it's cold out here!

What gets wetter the more it dries?

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.