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Showing posts from November, 2017

I'm Liberian

A: "Where you from?"
B: "I'm Liberian"
A: "Oh, sorry!"
A(Whispering):"where you from?"

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I said, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons, and nobody wonders why.

Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons, and nobody wonders why.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard...

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard...
After that, he went downhill fast.

I work as a waiter...

I work as a waiter...
The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house

Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet...

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet...
Whoops, E-Daisies.

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell...

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell, and, looking at it now, I see why.

I dunno what this WiFi dude did…

I dunno what this WiFi dude did, but I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.

Lincoln Shot First

Lincoln Shot First

Lottery...

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid...

I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He says he could stop at any time

Why wouldn't the fish share his candy with the other fish?

Q: Why wouldn't the fish share his candy with the other fish?
A: Because the other fish ate him.

In the new version, Alderaan shoots first

In the new version, Alderaan shoots first