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Showing posts from November, 2019

Q: Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Q: Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
A: He conditioned it.

Q: Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?

Q: Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
A: So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

I am terrified of elevators...

I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Q: Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Q: Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he gets a hole in one

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Jeff, the origin

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A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.

Two ducks were sitting in a pond.

Two ducks were sitting in a pond. One of the ducks said: "Quack". The other duck said: "I was going to say that!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: He was too far out, man.

What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Q: What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
A: Lil' Caesars

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Doctor...

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
That’s a great T.V. show, isn’t it?

Q: What is the difference between here and there?

Q: What is the difference between here and there?
A: The Letter T.

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

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