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Showing posts from November, 2016

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar...

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

A skeleton walks into a bar...

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Three mathematicians walk into a bar.

Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

A bar walks into a man

A bar walks into a man. Oops, wrong frame of reference.

A neutron walks into a bar.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you," replies the bartender, "no charge."

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini

A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender stares, but mixes the drink, and the duck downs it and orders another. "Hey, buddy, you haven't paid for the first one! Why should I make you another?" "It's OK, make me a second martini," said the duck. "Just put it on my bill."

A termite walks into a bar

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"

A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker

A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks

Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender looks at them incredulously and exclaims, "I can't serve you! What are you, nuts?!?"

A brain goes into a bar

A brain goes into a bar and the bartender says, "I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"

A snake slithers into a bar...

A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar...

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and asks, "Can I have a large gin and.......... tonic, please?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws, looks at them, and says, "Well, I'm a bear!"

A goldfish walks into a bar...

A goldfish walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool, and looks hard at the bartender, who asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?" The fish keeps looking at the guy and gasps: "Water."

A man walks into a bar and says "OW!"...

A man walks into a bar and says "OW!" The bartender says "James Brown? I thought you were dead!"

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "Hey, buddy, are you all right?"

A penguin walks into a bar

A penguin walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The barman asks, "Well, what does he look like?"

A pickle walks into a bar...

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, pickel! What are you doing here?" The pickle replies: "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

A pork chop goes into a bar

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."

Three fonts walk into a bar...

Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar...

A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?"

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says no, so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks: "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says no again, and adds: "This is a bar.", so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar, but the bartender cuts him off by telling him: "We do not serve grapes here, and if you ask for grapes one more time I will nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck asks: "Got any nails?"
The bartender says no, and the duck replies: "Good, got any grapes?"

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty

My boss puts the...

My boss puts the 'age' in manager