A duck walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender stares, but mixes the drink, and the duck downs it and orders another. "Hey, buddy, you haven't paid for the first one! Why should I make you another?" "It's OK, make me a second martini," said the duck. "Just put it on my bill."
A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."
A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and asks, "Can I have a large gin and.......... tonic, please?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws, looks at them, and says, "Well, I'm a bear!"
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, so the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks: "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no again, and adds: "This is a bar.", so the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar, but the bartender cuts him off by telling him: "We do not serve grapes here, and if you ask for grapes one more time I will nail your beak to the bar!" The duck asks: "Got any nails?" The bartender says no, and the duck replies: "Good, got any grapes?"