A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching a house on the other side of the street. Initially they decide that the house must be empty. Then they see two people enter the house. A while later, they watch three people leave the house. The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.” The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.” Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, "Don't shoot!" The hunter responded, "Don't quack."