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Showing posts from March, 2017

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: It was soda pressing.

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?
A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

A man is smoking a cigarette...

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

What did the sea say to the seashore?

What did the sea say to the seashore?
Nothing, it just waved.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

How Long is a...

How Long is a Chinese name.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and sings "Give me the Moonlight"?

Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and sings "Give me the Moonlight"?
A: Frankie Prawn.

If con is the opposite of pro...

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

The reason we have elected officials...

Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!

3 out of 2 people...

3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions

Here’s some advice:

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching a house on the other side of the street. Initially they decide that the house must be empty. Then they see two people enter the house. A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”
Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside...

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force

Biology is the only science

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

What's brown and sticky?

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison?

What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

Give me all the money or you're geography!

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

Don't shoot!

My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, "Don't shoot!"
The hunter responded, "Don't quack."

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